Gratitude Challenge : Day 19

30 Days of Gratitude Challenge : Day 19

I've gotta be honest. Today has been a rough day. One of those days where nothing seems to go right. Ellie was up all night last night tossing and turning and crying and not sleeping.  She felt warm, so I took her temperature and lo and behold poor kid had a fever. Morning came, and I had a headache. Like the kind of headache where you are only relieved of pain when you close your eyes. Clay picked up a four hour shift at IPC, and then headed to Provo to have his root canal finished.  Ellie screamed most of the day. My head continued to hurt. I couldn't get anything I had hoped to get done, done.  Clay came home, and after I somehow got dinner in the oven and the dishes done, I found myself being grouchy with him. Ellie started to perk up finally, and I fed her some applesauce. She squealed and played on the floor, so I worked on a little arts and crafts project for the holidays I had been wanting to get to, hoping it might cheer me up. And then I dropped a damn needle in the carpet. Ellie is basically crawling, so of course I go into panic mode. I had Clay take her from the front room, and I tore the entire room apart and upside down. I searched for that stupid needle for over an hour. I used a flashlight, a lint roller. I crawled around on my hands and knees. I prayed I would step on it so my baby wouldn't be the one to find it.  But... it didn't happen. I then obsessive-compulsively vacuumed my front room. And then my entire apartment. I finally sat down, and could feel the panic rising in my chest. No needle. I feel I've come a long way with my anxiety. But nights like tonight - where a silly little needle gets the best of me - make me feel otherwise. Thank goodness I didn't have a panic attack, or I'd probably get on the phone first thing in the morning with my old doctor and beg him to see me and re-prescribe anxiety meds or institutionalize me, haha.  But seriously.  Then I heard Ellie squeal from her room, playing with her daddy. I took as many deep breaths as I could, and made myself go in that room and be her mommy. We all made it to bed. Ellie is fast asleep and Clay is snoring. I'm lying here, fighting off left over anxious feelings so maybe I too can get some rest.

I know it's silly to freak out over a needle. Unfortunately, that needle triggered feelings of mania, and now I can't calm down.  Fortunately, I've been through enough therapy that I will be able to work through these feelings.  I can do it. Eventually, I'll go to sleep.  I'll wake up, and things will be better tomorrow. (My mom once told me in one of my darkest hours that "it will get better". And guess what? It got better. Nights like tonight, I have to remind myself that it gets better.)

I guess today, I'm going to be grateful for the crappy days.

What a crappy thing to be grateful for, eh? Haha.  Thankfully, I'm at a point in my life where most days are good days.  But every once in awhile, a day like today sneaks in and reminds me of the hand I've been dealt when it comes to my mental health and personal well being. I'm bipolar. I have anxiety. The tiniest thing can bring up the craziest feelings. Days like today remind me that I can't let my guard down, and I need to be as proactive and responsible for being on top of this illness as I can be.

Let's put it this way.  Say you are diagnosed with diabetes.  It's up to you, and only you, to watch what you eat, exercise, and take your medications. If you don't do these things, your body will suffer the consequences.  When someone doesn't properly manage their diabetes, their blood sugar goes out of whack, and they can physically feel it.  They feel sick. It reminds them very quickly that in order to not feel sick, they need to manage their illness responsibly.... through diet, exercise and medication.

Crappy days like today are my "blood sugar going out of whack" days.  I haven't been managing this illness properly.  I need to take better care of me. I owe it to Ellie. I owe it to Clayton. And I owe it to myself. 

I am good enough. I am a good wife and a good mom. I'm a good daughter. A good sister. A good friend. I am a good person. And damn you Kortney for letting yourself think otherwise. :)

I'm grateful I had a bad day today. I'm grateful that today's bad day was as minor as it was, because if I don't take care of me, the next bad day could be a lot worse. It is what it is.  Days like today motivate me to not let this get the best of me. And I'm grateful for the motivation.  And without the bad days, we wouldn't truly appreciate the good ones.

I really hope those of you who may read this ramble don't walk away thinking I'm a complete nut job. It's taken me a long time to not hide my head in shame over this. I have ridiculous highs and scary lows. And inbetween, I have panic attacks. Mental illness has such a stigma attached to it.  People don't understand it. But I feel like owning this illness, being honest about it and sometimes having a sense of humor about it help make it seem like it's not such a high mountain to climb.