I currently only work one day a week. I usually pick up extra shifts, and sometimes I work two or three days a week, opposite of Clay as much as possible to prevent having to have a sitter. Well, I was presented the opportunity to interview for a new job. A new job that nearly doubles Clay's salary. Only thing is - it's a full time gig. Like a more than full time gig. Yes, Clay could quit and be a stay at home daddy. Or we could re-arrange our schedules in a few months next shift bid at the prison to where we worked opposite shifts. I've been struggling with this possible new job because well... let's face it. Life is easier with money in the bank (usually.) We want a house, a big savings and to be out of debt.
This month, Ellie has started saying "mama". The last two weeks, she's started crawling into my arms just to snuggle. I'll ask her to give me a kiss, and she'll eat my face. She prefers me over anyone else. I'm the one that provides her comfort, food, and a warm place to take a nap every day. We love to play together. I'm probably the biggest part of Ellie's world right now.
Why that's just hitting me now, I don't know. Maybe because until now, Ellie has been kind of a blob who's only emotions are happy to hungry to sleepy to mad. Of course, Ellie needs to be taken care of to survive. But it wasn't until just recently that it hit me - Ellie NEEDS me. She loves me. And she needs my love and needs to love me in return. And it's really starting to show.
I worked a day shift and a grave shift yesterday. Clayton worked at the prison today. My brother came over to hang out with Ellie so I could catch up on some sleep. When I woke up and came out of my room, Ellie gave me the world's biggest smile and reached for me. She then buried her head in my shoulder as if she was saying "finally, you're here mom! I love you!!"
I already have a full time job. It's being a mom.
I really believe that as parents, we will be held accountable to the Lord one day to answer to how we raise our children. I'm not a perfect parent. Ellie's first word other than "mama" might be "shit". I don't make it to church every Sunday. I am not always the nicest person. I'm kind of sarcastic. I will lose my temper with Ellie. I'll make mistakes. I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that. However, I don't want to meet the Lord one day and say "well, I didn't have time to be a mom because I needed to make more money."
We get by. Clayton provides, and I do what I can to help. His job is to provide. My job is to nurture. I truly belive that. And in time - maybe a little longer than we would like - we will get ahead and accomplish our goals. Do I NEED to work a full time job? No. So I think tomorrow, I'm going to send an e-mail to my prospective new employer saying "thanks, but no thanks."
I have a really sick baby. Like taking stool samples into the doctor because my baby has had an upset stomach for over three weeks. She was throwing up. She's now fighting a horrible cold - again. She's miserable. And I am so grateful that right now, in her miserable moments, she has her mom to help make things a little better.
Hardest job ever. Best job ever.
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