Ellie : 09.20.2012

One year ago today.... 

(Whitney was the first person to know I was pregnant...She then promptly texted her then-boyfriend-now-husband John and told him.  Technically, Clayton was the third person besides myself to know about Ellie... Haha.)

When I found out I was pregnant, life changed. 

Ellie wasn't planned, but she wasn't prevented either.  Clay and I were under the impression (due to some health problems I'd been having) that once we decided to start a family, it would be a process and we might not be successful. 

Let's just say, the Lord (like He always does) knew what he was doing when he sent that sweet baby girl to our family.  

Elliot has taught me more about life and myself in the year she's been in my life than the first twenty five-ish years I lived without her. 

Ellie has taught me to be (more) patient.  Those of you who know me well know I am not a patient person by nature.  Those last few weeks of pregnancy - the doc kept telling me Ellie would arrive "any time now"..... Well.... Ellie was late.  She was born five days PAST her second due date.  And that was just the beginning. (And Ellie is, by definition, a great baby!) It's true - being a parent is demanding and hard.  When ever I think I am going to lose my mind, a little saying pops into my head. It hung on my grandma's fridge growing up on a magnet and it read : "Be patient. God hasn't finished with me yet."  It's a lot easier to be patient with my own child than people I come into contact with on a daily basis.  But I feel like now when I deal with people who usually drive me absolutely freaking nuts (and there are quite a few!) I am more patient and not as quick to judge as I may have been previously. 

Ellie has taught me to be more easy-going.  Anyone with a baby knows, having a schedule or a day that goes as planned is pretty much damn near impossible.  Having a schedule or plan is one way I've learned to deal with my anxiety.  Ha!  Can't really do that anymore.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.  Ellie has definitely taught me how to chill-ax. And for the most part, it's been a good thing. :)

Ellie has also taught me that it's okay to have a few dishes in the sink and a few piles of dirty laundry. I love having a clean house.  I can't function well in a dysfunctional or messy environment.  It gives me anxiety.  While I will always have a home management binder and will never let my house look like it should be on an episode of Hoarders - it's not the end of the world if cleaning up has to wait until tomorrow.  Ellie comes first.  Besides, hearing that little laugh is way better than loading the dishwasher.

When I was finally properly diagnosed with Bi-Polar 2 disorder after my divorce, I was relieved to have a name for what I was feeling and experiencing.  Through medications and therapy, I was able to get (for the most part) a grip on life.  Once I got that grip though, I decided I didn't like the way the medications made me feel.  I wanted to feel emotions - happy, sad, mad...and finally felt I had learned to manage those emotions without going into a manic episode.  I didn't want to feel like the zombie those meds made me feel like.  With help from a doc and therapist, I was slowly weaned off all medications before I met Clay (except for a few which I kept on hand for panic attacks.)  When I got pregnant, I (obviously) stopped taking all medications except for anti-nausea meds and a prenatal vitamin.  A few months ago, Clay and I were going through the medicine cabinet at our home.  I threw away all my Xanax and Klonopin.  Seriously.  Not to say life has been perfect and I haven't struggled with anxiety.  I've had three panic attacks since Ellie has been born.  But I've been able to handle them.  I can officially say I haven't had a Xanax or a Klonopin in a year.  That's awesome!  Aside from being pregnant, giving birth and raising a child in the day-to-day world, Ellie has taught me that I can do hard things!  And Ellie makes me want to live in a way that I will never let that disorder affect me the way it has in the past EVER again.  Controlling my anxiety has never been so important to me as it is now.  And I have Ellie to thank for that. 

Ellie has also taught me that I really don't give a crap about what people say or think.  What people say or think about me or my parenting or the way I do things is none of my business.  I've never had so many people come down on me as when I had a baby or have them be so freaking nosy.  Seriously.  "You're having an epidural?"  "You aren't taking this/that class?"  "You are vaccinating your baby?"  "Did you tear when you had Ellie?"  "You let Ellie fall asleep on you, and then YOU fell asleep?"  "You should put a little cereal in Ellie's bottle!" "You gave your baby Tylenol?"  Blah blah blah....  Ellie is in my care.  Daily.  No one knows my daughter like I do.  No one is in-tune with her needs like I am.  I'm her mom.  You are not.  Say what you'd like.  Think what you'd like.  You don't know what we are going through or dealing with.  While what you think about me or my life may have bothered me in the past... it doesn't now.  And I have Ellie to thank for that.  She (and her dad) are my numero unos.  If they are happy and healthy, I am happy.  And if you care about me at all - if we are happy and healthy - you should be happy for me too.

I've learned that negative people - whether negative towards me or just towards life in general - aren't fun to be around.  Who knew?  "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured."  This quote means more to me now than it ever has.  And I hope to teach that to Ellie.

Ellie has taught me that I will do ANYTHING to protect her.  Like kill giant spiders that are trying to eat my baby with my bare hands.  Twice. 

Ellie has taught me that I care about my future - that I need to work on something more.  I was pretty content to just let life happen.  Sure, I had ideas I toyed with as to what I wanted to do as a career.  And if we are being honest, I still don't know what I want to "be when I grow up."  But I can tell you one thing.  I've never wanted to go back to school so badly in my life as I have since Ellie has been born.  I want to be a good example for her in every way.  I want her to be educated - and what better way than to show her the way?  I also want to be able to help to provide for this baby girl and give her every opportunity to make a success of her life.  I want her to see me set and achieve goals.  And I want her to do the same.  I want to be the best example I can be for her in every aspect of life.  (Speaking of the future - I also want to move to the middle of no-where where, but that's a post for a different day. Haha.)

Ellie has taught me the importance of eternal families.  While Ellie is sealed to me because she is born in the covenant, I want nothing more in this world than for her to be sealed to her daddy too.  And that will happen when Clay and I are finally sealed for time and all eternity.  I want this family, and I want them forever, and I want to be worthy to have them forever.  And both Clay and I are working to get there.  It's a work in progress and slowly coming along - as are most good things.  I can't wait for that blessed day.

Ellie has taught me that I am capable of loving someone so much my heart could explode.  Actually... loving two someones.  Watching Clay be Ellie's daddy makes me love him more and more than I ever thought possible.  And Ellie?  Wow.  There are days where I look at her and can't help but cry the happiest tears.  I can't believe we made that perfect little girl.  I love being her mommy.  I love everything about her - from her long fingers and toes to her crazy hair and dimply little bum.  I love her giggle, I love hearing her newly discovered little voice.  I love her toothless smile.  I love the way she smells and the way she fits perfectly in my arms.  I love her.  I've loved her from the moment I took that pregnancy test exactly one year ago. 

Life is good.  Not easy, but good.  And it's only (hopefully!) going to get better.

Being a parent is a trip. 

It's the best trip I've ever been on.