Feeling Blessed

I work every Saturday.  It's the one day a week that I am actually scheduled to work.  Clayton works two Saturdays a month.  Which means Ellie gets to be babysat twice a month by one of my dear mothers.


When these Saturdays happen, they are loooonnngg, miserable days.  And by long - I mean they actually start on Friday.  You see, I have to report to work at 6 in the morning.  So, rather than drag Ellie anywhere that early in the morning, we spend the night at either my dad's or my mom's house - depending on who is watching her - the night before. 

So last night, I pack up all of Ellie's crap (which consists of a pack n' play, diapers and wipes, food, toys... it always feels like I'm packing up the whole house) and head to my mom's.  Every once in awhile, Clay will
come along for the ride and spend the night with us.  He did last night. 

Getting Ellie to sleep on these nights is rough.  She's already a bad sleeper - but whenever we are sleeping over somewhere, she's wired.  So last night, I FINALLY got her to go to sleep at 11:00 pm.  Keep in mind - we have been sleep training her all week.  She has been in bed almost every night at 7:45 pm.  So guess how ornery my baby was last night?  Ugh.

I don't know why I drag the pack n' play on these adventures.  She hates sleeping in it.  But last night I figured since she's done so well at sleeping in her crib this week, she'll be okay in the pack n' play.  I laid her down in it, and she stayed asleep!  Hallelujah!  I laid down on the floor next to the pack n' play in an attempt to sleep myself.  (Sometimes we'll sleep on an air mattress or various couches - but tonight I decided on the floor to be close to the babe.)

Ellie has a favorite show.  I really hate letting her watch TV because she is so young, but right now in the middle of winter, she watches more than I'd like to admit (usually so I can get something done around the house...COME ON SUMMER!) Anyways...this show is called "Wild Animal Baby".  It's on Netflix, and it is absolutely ridiculous.  But Ellie laughs hysterically at it and it keeps her entertained when I need it to.  For the life of me - I couldn't sleep because I had the theme song of that show stuck in my head.  Awesome. 


I must have eventually fallen asleep because at 12:30, little miss decided to wake up.  Oh. My. Gosh. And she was up off and on until my alarm went off at 3:40 am.  3:40 am you ask?  Well, let me tell you about the rest of our Saturday sleepover routine....

I wake up at 3:40 am (if the weather is nice - if it sucks, I've got to wake up wayyy earlier than this because the snowplows in northern Utah suck), milk myself like a cow (oh the joys of being a nursing mom), and my mom takes over couch duty at 4:00 am.  Then I head home 15 minutes away to shower, eat (which usually means stop at the gas station and get a coke) and go to work.  It's so much easier just to go home than to bring all the stuff I need to get ready for the day to wherever we are sleeping over since we live so close.

 

Anyways...   

The baby was asleep in my arms when my alarm went off.  I put her in the pack n' play., grabbed my pump and headed to the office to do my business, and realize I forgot the POWER CORD to the pump. Crap.  So... I go back out to the living room to wake Clayton up because now we have to go home earlier than normal so I can pump, and guess who is awake?  Elliot.  Double crap.

It was a long morning full of running around like a crazy person on no sleep and swearing my head off trying to make sure both Clayton and I made it to work on time.  You see, little miss woke up at 7:30 am on Friday and hardly napped throughout the day.  So of course, I was awake too.  Which means from about 7:30 am yesterday morning to now (10 am on Saturday), I have had maybe two hours of sleep total.  And I'm at work until 3 pm. 

Saturday usually ends with me getting off work at 3, going to get Ellie, getting home around 5 by the time I've packed her up and visited for a minute, and sometimes going to get Clayton from work at 6.  Ellie is usually pretty cranky by this time and usually feels super needy because she's missed me all day.  Saturdays suck.  They are long, long days. 

Ask me how my 100 days of prayer and scripture study are going??  They aren't.  Yesterday I prayed morning and night.  But I didn't get to my scriptures.  And today?  I didn't start my day with prayer because I started it off swearing and being grouchy.  I tell ya, that Satan guy is working extra hard on me.  Way to go Kortney, way to go.

My day was pretty much ruined.  I'm exhausted, I hate leaving my baby and I have been pretty depressed lately (see last post).  I was psyching myself up for a crappy day. 


Up until I got to work, and somewhere on the internet I stumbled across a gal's blog who's daughter passed away four years ago at five months old due to a rare genetic disorder.  I would link the blog here, but you'll bawl your eyes out and I'm really not that technologically savvy on the blog yet (sorry - I'm still learning).  After reading this, I had tears streaming down my face at work, bawling like a baby.  (I'm so glad no one else was in the office, ha ha.)

And then it hit me. (I seem to be having several epiphanies lately... haha.)  I am beyond blessed.  I have a beautiful baby girl to go home to, who is happy and healthy.  Yes, I am tired because she keeps me up at night and keeps me busy during the day by crawling all over my house eating her own socks, my shoes and getting into my bathroom garbage (all things that ended up in her mouth yesterday.  Gross.)  Being a mom is hard work.  But it's the best work.  And I am so lucky to have her - there are some mom's out there who would give anything to have their babies back, keeping them up all night every night. 

I really do have so much to be grateful for.  In writing this - I in no way want to come off as being an ungrateful brat.  I know how lucky I am to have the things that I do - a loving husband, a wonderful daughter, a home to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear.  And amazing family and friends.  Unfortunately, one of my trials is that I suffer from depression and bi-polar 2.  I feel lows that can't be explained and seem completely unreasonable.  Right now, I'm down.  And I have NO reason to be down.  It. Drives. Me. Crazy.  So I do the best I can to get through until it's over and remind myself that I won't feel like this forever. 

I know what's going to help me feel better though.  Tonight, I'm going to squeeze my little monster extra tight and smother her in kisses. 


And then, I'm probably going to pass out from exhaustion. :)