Let's be Honest

I'm currently on a low.
Like big time.

It's been a few weeks of said low, and I'm ready for it to be over.

The more I've been thinking about it, the more I know that this low is dragging on and on and ON because of this guy I know.  Satan.

If you don't believe in God and the Devil, this post probably isn't for you, so move right along.

I love the new year.  It's like a chance to start all over and make yourself better.  So naturally, I've made a few goals to make myself better.

First goal - is to work on my spirituality.  It's definitely hit it's own low in the past year or so, and I don't like the direction my faith and testimony have gone.  There are two things I feel I need to do to better this area of my life - make it to church every Sunday (minus the days we may be sick, working or out of town) and read my scriptures daily.  (I've got praying down.  For some reason, praying every night has never been that hard for me.  I'd like to get better at praying in the morning and throughout the day, but let's not get too crazy here.  Haha.)

I've read my scriptures maybe twice this new year.  It seems something always "comes up".  I forget, the baby cries, I want to sleep.

We did make it to church last Sunday, and I will be at church this coming Sunday, although not in my own ward.

Lately, I've been feeling super depressed.  Finding it hard to find joy in the things I should.  Beating myself up over everything.  Just wanting to sleep and crawl in a hole and die.  You know... the way normal, happy people don't feel.

Well, last night as I was climbing into bed, I saw my old study journal that I kept to write notes and impressions at a time in my life where scripture study was a regular thing.  As I flipped through, I landed on notes from a sacrament meeting on January 15th, 2011.  And there I read "Feed your faith, and your doubts will disappear."  

I know Elder Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk last Conference in which he spoke about doubting your doubts before you doubted your faith.  And I know Elder Holland gave an excellent talk about depression in the same weekend.  BUT for whatever reason, I needed to see this in my own handwriting.  "Feed your faith, and your doubts will disappear."  

And then it hit me.  I don't need to go back on medication (something I've seriously been considering lately.)  I need to kick the doubt out of my life.  I need to get the Devil out of my ear.  Lately, he's been sitting on my shoulder telling me that I'm not good enough.  I'm a bad mom, wife, person.  I'll never get out of debt, I'll never be able to teach Ellie to choose right and wrong, I'll never go back to school, blah blah blah.

Today, on the evil Facebook, something was shared by one of my friends where an overweight gal with no self esteem goes to the gym every day for 100 days and video blogs it.  The transformation that takes place in her is incredible.

I've decided - no excuses - I am going to study my scriptures and pray at least twice a day for 100 days.

If I come across something I feel like sharing, I'll post it here.  But my goal is to continue writing in this study journal that has been tossed aside during the hustle and bustle of life.

I'm hoping that at the end of this 100 day journey, I'll be able to feed my faith and that my doubts will disappear.  I guess we will see.